June 2002

At some long-ago point in my career, I found myself in a room with three partners in crime trying to come up with a name for a family of products — a wash, a moisturizer and a “sealer” — used for cleaning the nether regions of incontinent nursing home patients.

I don’t know if it was late in the day, or if we were horrified at the task set before us, or both, but we got silly. Some days it helps to get the ideas you can’t use out of the way immediately; we started that process and could not stop it. The names fell into families; right away there was SaniTush, Twinkle Tush and Tush Glow.

Moments later, Sweet Cheeks was followed by Cheeky Wipes, which led to Moon Wipes and Moonshine.

Then Kleen Krack and Clean Betweens. Names of other cleaning products quickly suggested Butt Brite, Fanny Flush, ENDdust, Stinkaway and Tidy Hole. A once popular shampoo was the inspiration for “Gee, Your Butt Smells Terrific.”

It is difficult to choose one favorite, but mine was Hiney Shine.

It all happened in five minutes, during which we were reduced to tears. The miracle is that someone — not me — wrote it all down. I have been safeguarding the list ever since, and in cleaning out files it has turned up again. I excerpt it here as a caution to those who might otherwise urge their children to go into advertising.